While “religious trauma syndrome” and “spiritual abuse” are today readily arrayed to understand the impact of highly controlling socio-religious structures, the burgeoning scholarly category of theologized trauma has also made it clear that religious doctrine “lands” in concrete ways on embodied human life. In many eras, these somatic impacts of doctrinal discourse have had harmful and/or traumatizing effects, the extent of which we are still discovering via the tools of critical history and cultural analysis. This study attempts a uniquely “systematic” exploration of Christian doctrine’s varied “wars” on embodiment, taking the traditional loci of systematic theology as its framing device. How have bibliology, christology, pneumatology, hamartiology, soteriology, etc., all reflected, to some degree, the classical Western tradition’s discomfort with embodied life? In critical dialogue with recent work by Lauren Winner and Adrian Thatcher, this study contends (as part of a larger project on the somatic effects of doctrine) that the major loci of theology, at various points in their iterative existence across Christian traditions, have reflected some unique contour of psychological or existential discomfort with embodiment. Once assembled, this kaleidoscopic view provides theologians with a wide-ranging diagnosis for how religious discourse can simultaneously occlude and instantiate somatic suspicion. As Tobias Tanton has recently argued, theology is fundamentally affected by the irreducible embodiment of our cognitive agency. This study provides a necessary complement to such insights by using theology to also present our sometimes hidden and oft-recurring discomfort with the very fact of our embodiment.